Married to a perfectionist?

 

courtesy - the Hindu

Difficult as it sounds, life with a perfectionist husband can be wonderful and gratifying too.. I chose to write this – not for a public cause – but to  reminder and recover myself when I feel down. (I can not call my hubby a 'perfectionist' by word - but many of his expectations tempts me to name him so... !!! ) 

Married to a person with an extreme perfectness, zero tolerance for deviation from standards, image consciousness, the know-it-all attitude?

Relax..  Life is not a road full of thorns.. it has soft roses too..

Meeting your partner’s standards can make life really difficult. It is said that two imperfect individuals make a perfect bond. But having a ‘perfectionist’ as a hubby can make a life perfect too…

In a birds eye view, life appears to be -  over laden with endless criticisms and scorns. However, if you are at peace with yourself and love your partner despite his ‘imperfection’, you could work towards making yours a wonderful relationship too.

A ‘perfectionist’ is someone who has extremely high standards and sees anything that is even ‘almost perfect’ as a failure.

Those living with perfectionists often feel hurt or offended, but my hubby – a ‘perfectionist’ is equally critical of his own actions as well.

It starts becoming a significant matter when all that exists for the person is what he does. At such times, the perspectives of others start taking a back seat.

Also, for a perfectionist it is all about the final destination, not the journey. “A perfectionist’s definition of satisfaction lies in the end-result, ‘achieving’ of the target. The process of chasing a goal or the efforts put in value less for him. And hence, he finds it difficult to appreciate the qualities and efforts of his dear ones.

It’s not easy to please a perfectionist. Perfectionism is very difficult to live with because you are striving for some kind of magical fantasy that no one can ever live up to. (but this has been proved against - by my hubby at times too though).  To be living with such a person could be a challenge. It could be draining not just physically but emotionally too.

There is always a high risk of one’s effort being dismissed as not good enough. This could not only damage self-esteem but also impact the relationship between the couple leading to a depression of the wife.

My husband sets such high standards for himself,  that no matter how well I tried, I fail to measure up. My self-esteem takes a huge hit at times.

It’s hard to think of living a beautiful life with a purist, if you’re not one yourself.. But a perfect life is possible too and it involves adapting to his character and helping the perfectionist bring about the desired changes. Once you learn to channel his perfectionist tendencies, things can be easily handled. It all depends on your own perception and attitude.

Here are some ways I follow in making my life easier with my perfectionist hubby.. (offcourse - with the guidance of the net only ;) !!)

Don’t react every time

Reacting every time he pinpoints at something makes matters worse. So, don’t defend every time you are criticised. But communicate how his  behaviour made you feel, later—timing helps validate your point. Also, because you don’t defend yourself every time, he would be obliged to listen to you.

Don’t get beat

For your partner to accept you as you are, it is important that you accept yourself first. Be proud of who you are. Overcome your complexes. If you suffer from a low self-esteem, it won’t be difficult for your partner to overpower you with his demands. Also, if you feel so diffident within no matter how logical your point, you will never be able to stand for it. It’s difficult when someone is always trying to point out your faults, but you have to make all efforts you can.

Don’t generalize

Resist the temptation to counter or disagree with everything your partner says just because he’s a perfectionist. At times he might be right. (my hubby is right most of the times though).  Remember - In a way, your partner is helping you grow. Thank him when he marks your weak areas. Most perfectionists themselves have low self-esteem and tall egos. Your attitude of being grateful for sharing his opinions will soothe his ego. In time, he will be more open to your remarks.

Explain your viewpoint

Gradually make your partner understand that, for you, your weakness and your faults are just as important as your virtues. If you value genuine efforts more than the end-result, tell him that. “Don’t be too straight or rude while expressing these thoughts. These ideologies will be quite hard for the perfectionist to understand. You have to sound convincing but not stupid.

Set mutual standards

Be willing to compromise and put in extra efforts in some areas. Likewise, talk to your partner about easing down on some counts too  (if he is acceptable to take it). For instance, if your perfectionist husband wants you to cook a proper three-course meal for him every day ask him to help you with cleaning the house every morning. Or settle for a two course meal with an understanding.

Set limits

Know where to draw the line. Explain to him that you’re a separate entity and would like to be treated as one and that you need a partner not an instructor. Under no circumstances entertain rude behavior.

Don’t return the favour

Nobody’s perfect. There’s a world of difference between being a perfectionist and being perfect. If he points out your shortcoming, do not do the same and start looking only for his weaknesses. But do express your honest opinion. Help him realise areas that he needs to improve on.

With your love, patience, and strength of mind, your perfectionist partner may be able to bond with you. Good Luck and Happy living..

- Priya